Breaking Nooze #1 – Julius Asswage has leaking eye

It has emerged tonight that the Australian born cyberian whistleblower Julius Asswage has developed an eyelid swelling owing to stressed conditions in his cell in Paddington Green high security lock-up in London’s exclusive dangerous criminals district.

Experts say that the Winkileaks founder, who while under police custody has no access to a computer or even mobile phone or 3G enabled Kindle, and has only been given a Tamogochi for technological respite, could be showing withdrawal symptoms from his usual habit of spending most of the day in front of a computer screen infecting the internet with dangerous sedition.

Doctors attending the leading leaking dissident, who has recently been the subject of fatwas by United States congresspersons have ruled out any possibility that the swelling on Mr Asswage’s eye could have been caused by curses or voodoo done by high ranking US politicians. However there is some controversy as to whether the swelling, which is currently leaking pus into his inner eyelid, is the result of a bacterial infection or is simply the result of feeling stressed by his inability to access any form of information superhighwayness.

We asked celebrity medical pundit, Dr Sue Dregular-Leigh, to give us some top tips on how to behave if you do have a swelling on your eyelid like Julian Asswage, and here is her advice:

  • DON’T touch it all the time as Julian is doing in the picture, as it could result in the introduction of additional bacteria into the stye. This extra dirty form of stye is known as a “pig stye”.
  • DO massage it with a finger from the outside, as this can help to evacuate the pus. It helps if you rub it with gold, such as a wedding ring or an antique gold watch.
  • DON’T allow anything hot or wet near the eye – don’t forget it is your eye – and eyes don’t grow back if you lose them
  • DO use piping hot chamomile tea bags as mini “compresses” to help ease the inflammation
  • DON’T go crying to your GP expecting prescriptions – they are overworked as it is and now the NHS has additional budgetary resctrictions because of all this austerity. This is something you can easily treat yourself
  • DON’T just ignore the condition and let it deteriorate – see a doctor!
  • DO check to see if it is a sebaceous cyst. If it does turn out to be one, then introduce it to the one on your back and get them to set up a girl band called “the Sebaceous Cysters” and get them to try out for the X Factor.

 Mr Asswage is currently awaiting extradition (read “extraordinary rendition”) to Sweden in an IKEA flatpack. From there he will be unpacked, set-up and installed on a flight to the United States where he is wanted for heresy.


About David J. James

53 year old accountant who loves languages, literature, history, religion, politics, internet, vlogging and blogging and lively written discussion. Conservative Christian, married to an angel, we have three kids, and live in Warsaw, Poland.
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