Brent Cross pensioner Frannie Mace was kicking herself today when it transpired that she had thrown out a classic Eurhine-Staines mattress containing no less than ninety million pounds sterling in used five and ten pound nominals.
“The mattress seemed to be getting harder to use and it did smell rather, what with my bladder not being what it used to be”, the eighty seven year old former Tescos cashier said. “I forgot that I had kept my savings in there, along with what my grandsons had given me to look after for them, the takings from a couple of their businesses that they didn’t want to entrust to the banks – can’t say I blame them, bunch of thieves and robbers if you ask me.”
“It turns out that it had become so hard for the reason that there were so many notes in there that it would normally take fifty mattresses to hold, but they had become supercompacted and had attained the density of tungsten. That would explain why I had such a problem getting the council to take it away. In the end I had to burn it in the front garden. There was no question of getting it laundered, who would have taken it to the launderette? You can’t get these taxi drivers to lift things over a ton these days, and half of them are either women or these so-called gay people, and the rest are immigrants.”
The Hendon police are currently investigating whether all taxes where paid on the wealth of a small nation tucked into the mattress, and the matter has been referred to the European Commission for the Advancement of Mattress Laundering.